Cardboard letters B P and D painted black with splatters of colour across them
I rarely feel pleased with myself for the things I’ve done, I get pleasure from the work I do and feel proud of the things that have been achieved but I don’t feel proud of myself. I’m not writing this because I want compliments or want people to tell me I’m great I struggle with praise and don’t know how to respond to it, criticism or negative comments are more familiar to me.
I mentioned in a previous post that I have a type, the same type of person I get attached to, there have been a few notable ones. There’s an obvious pattern it’s something I’m very aware of and even embarrassed by I’m 32 I shouldn’t be looking for a replacement mother, I know I’m not alone but it’s still hard to talk about, just writing this makes me feel ashamed.
I don’t have any contact with my family, I haven’t spoken to my mother in over two years and even when I did she wouldn’t be someone I’d go to if I wanted validation or praise so I look to other people to be proud of me even though I don’t feel it myself. I know everyone is different and I’m often told I’m hard on myself but I don’t see it, to me I’m so far behind my peers and where I should be by now. I have a tendency to separate my life into different boxes and present different sides of myself to different people, at work I want to be seen for being capable and functioning I’ve found it hard to show the parts that don’t function well as if I’m different people when I’m at home, capable by day self destructive by night.
Recently two of the people I looked to for praise or validation, the people I wanted to be proud of me and see me achieve things have gone from my life and aside from feeling that a large part of my support system has gone I don’t have those people I wanted to be proud of me and I’ve gone back to separating myself. I know the obvious answer would be to feel pride in myself and not look to others to feel validated but I’ve never felt good enough or that I’ve achieved anything and the behaviour patterns and attachment issues are hard to break and just move on from.
A large rabbit comforting a small rabbit with the words “life is tough, my dear but so are you” beneath it
There’s not a mental health charity or campaign that doesn’t talk about stigma around mental health issues but these campaigns as important as they are don’t address stigma within the mental health community or internalised stigma.
Mental health services are generally seen as the Cinderella service of the NHS and personality disorders services especially so, people with borderline personality disorder are often seen as attention seekers, over dramatic and untreatable (the name personality disorder doesn’t help), people often find if they say they have depression or post traumatic stress disorder or bipolar they receive better treatment especially in a&e.
Trauma is a complex issue and most people agree that there is a lot of overlap in mental health issues that come as a result of trauma, complex post traumatic stress disorder is generally less stigmatised especially within the medical world, some people challenge or avoid being diagnosed with BPD because of the stigma surrounding it and barriers it presents whether it’s an appropriate diagnosis or not. There is a general attitude that everything someone with BPD does is for attention that suicide isn’t serious and they don’t really want to end their life, some people even believe that personality disorder diagnosis especially BPD should be scrapped and replace with CPTSD.
I don’t claim to be the authority on all things mental health this blog slightly more coherent than the general stream of consciousness and thoughts rattling around my head and I really try to only focus on issues I have experience of as it’s not my place to talk about a diagnosis I don’t have but so many of the problems with people’s attitude to BPD in particular are around the behaviours that come with the condition or the unpredictable moods and changes some of which do cross over with other issues but I generally seen as BPD problems. If we removed the diagnosis people would still self harm, they’d still have problems with mood changes and relationships; if we transfer those issues to another label would we not just be transferring the stigma?
Of course I can understand why people wouldn’t want a stigmatising disgnosis but when people seem horrified at the suggestion that their diagnosis being BPD not bipolar or other people suggesting someone clearly has BPD based on their actions or behaviour it really doesn’t help those of us that are diagnosed with it and doesn’t help to change the attitudes to mental health problems when even within our own community there’s so much division and stigma.
Being diagnosed with BPD was about as surprising to me as someone telling me I had blue eyes it was very much a bears shit in woods and the pope is catholic situation. In the 8 or so years since I was told I had BPD I’ve had many different feelings about it from relief and validation to anger and hatred to shame but although I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m proud of it I am open about my diagnosis and don’t hide it. I do believe that there should be more clarity around the various overlapping mental health problems and issues that stem from abuse and trauma but if there are going to be changes then we need to find ways of removing the problems faced by people with BPD and other conditions with heavy stigma rather than carrying them over to another condition.
Image credit Louise Firchau – paper panda