Tag Archives: fomo

Coping admirably

The back of one of my pink smart crutches with a sticker saying coping admirably


*clears out the tumbleweed*

Long time no blog, I’ve had a few semi written posts on the go but most of them seemed to get stuck half way.

There are lots of changes going on around me and in general this year has been full of them, I’m not normally a fan of change and prefer to keep a tight grip on familiarity instead yet it seems to keep happening despite my complaints. I don’t like uncertainty yet I’m bored; as ever my brain is a contradiction, I often feel as though I’m stagnating seeing people move on around me people I was in the same position as a couple of years ago have bypassed me it’s no coincidence that as I write this young people across the U.K. will be getting exam results and finding out where their future path lies thinking about my own education and career tends to leave me teetering on the edge of an existential crisis.
I’ve develop a habit of doing all the things I feel like I need to make up for lost time and lost years to catch up with all those ahead of me. Since joining Mind there have been many staffing changes and several younger members of staff have joined, people younger than me which as well as the problems with attachments to people who have left has brought some resentment and shame at being a volunteer managed by people younger than me; there are volunteers older than me but most of them have had lives already and at 32 I’m only just at the start of any kind of career.
One thing I’ve been trying hard to do is be honest and open more, in some respects I guess I’ve had to as I no longer have one person I can go to and no mental health support has probably forced me to do this. One thing they don’t tell you in therapy is how long things take to have an effect I finished the main MBT treatment in 2013 and sometimes it feels like my brain is only starting to process it, I’ve said since it finished that the ways it helped me aren’t so obvious as the main issues I have such as self harm haven’t gone away but expressing my feelings and telling people how I feel about them is something that although still a work in progress is probably the biggest change and recently I’ve surprised myself with these changes by telling people that I feel I’m trying to make up for lost time and compensate for the years of not doing anything.
The downside to doing all the things is I’m currently lacking direction, life doesn’t come with a map it’s more like a badly programmed sat nav that has you going all the way across the country for a pint of milk instead of 5 minutes up the road and right now I feel like I’m sitting trying to find the right direction but I’m not sure exactly where I’m going and I’m not sure the address is right but I sort of know where it is just not exactly. What I know is I want to work in mental health in a way I can use my lives experience, I know I enjoy working directly with people (oh how 16 year old me would have laughed at that) I also enjoy delivering training but I don’t know whether I want to work with adults or young people or what sort of project or service I’d like to work on. Sometimes I think life was easier when I was catatonically depressed, if anyone knows how I can resign from adulting please let me know until then I’ll be building myself a pillow fort.

Coping admirably sticker from hand over your fairy cakes

Advertisements

Chronically commuting

A picture of me with London Underground roundel face paint

There are temporary toilets at Euston, fascinating I know but this meant walking from one end of the station to the other a minor inconvenience for many but something simple that ate into my already rapidly reducing energy supply.
If my body had a battery symbol it would currently be edging towards red, unfortunately I can’t put myself on low energy mode and I still have to get home. A simple thing like using the toilet or accessing public transport can become a mission when you’re disabled, people who live with chronic health problems and limited energy will talk about the importance of pacing (something I’m pretty bad at I am however an expert at crashing and burning) but along with pacing comes planning. Most people plan a journey especially if it’s somewhere unfamiliar or timing is needed but planning the most accessible journey involves more effort than a journey from A to B.

The standard London transport tube map

I’m not a wheelchair user and I can manage a limited amount of stairs so I’m less restricted than many other disabled people but the London Underground is not disability friendly (I’m not unaware of the age of the system and challenges in making it more accessible) but after working out where I’m going the next step is seeing if there’s a lift and whether that’s for all the station or just parts of it, is there a reduced escalator service (my balance and coordination and using a stick make escalators a challenge), if I get on a train part the way along the line can I get a seat, how far will I have to walk from the mainline to the underground. Often I’m tired before I’ve even started.

The accessible tube map

Energy isn’t just expended physically though, social interaction can be draining, thinking, talking, trying to follow the flow of a conversation can also be tiring especially when you throw in the neurological problems I have as a result of a brain injury at birth which left me with hemiplegia (I seem to have unknowingly won some kind of anti health lottery) all these things can add to fatigue and despite my  love of the city i can’t deny that Londoners are not the most patient people to be crammed on a train with.

People dismiss the idea of FOMO as another trivial millennial, Generation Y non issue but when you’re already several years behind your peers it’s hard to say no and slow down even when you should. Chronic illness, mental health problems, disability often do mean missing out of things or choosing one thing over another and in an age where we can see more and more of what people are doing with their lives without having to spend time with them it’s hard not to feel it.