Tag Archives: selfharm

 

I know I’ve talked about cost before and I do understand the pressures placed on the NHS however this isn’t just about the actual finances but the attitudes towards money being spent on mental health care. Last year when the mental health trust that covers my area was considering putting in a crisis café I went to a consultation which was for service users, mental health professionals, third sector workers and generally anyone that might be interested or might consider bidding on to run the service.

Someone else attending the event worked out how much it would cost per person per night to attend a crisis café based on the figures from the model that the trust were basing it on and asked whether this was good value for money. This frustrated me for so many reasons one of them being why are we looking whether someone’s life is a cost effective use of funds and another was that the alternative to me is self harm and a&e.

It costs the NHS money to treat me – stitches and anaesthetic, dressings, bandages, Doctors and nurses time and psych liaison, if I get an ambulance to take me there because of blood loss or not feeling physically able to get there alone it costs the health service money and although I don’t know the exact figures (and I’m not sure I’d want to as it increases the guilt) but I’m sure it’s a lot more than the cost of attending a crisis café. I’ve seen people say that if you do it to yourself you shouldn’t expect the NHS to pay to fix it and while I can think of a few things I’d like to these people I also think once you start going down the route of denying people treatment if they’re responsible for the cause I think it’s a slippery slope towards finding blame for almost anything (didn’t notice your laces were undone sorry your fault, broke your leg skiing should have stayed at home).

Prevention is almost always better then cure and while I’m under no illusion that crisis cafés or any other crisis support would mean that no one went to a&e; I know it wouldn’t mean I never self harm but it would be an alternative. There’s a lot of talk at the moment especially with an election coming up about mental health and in particular the mental health of young people. I volunteer on a Youth wellbeing project and highly encourage mental health education and advice in schools but it doesn’t help the adults or children already experiencing mental health difficulties, it looks good on paper and even a liberal cynic like me can almost believe that’s not the only motive but it’s almost as if they want to write off those already in need of help and start again.
If we want people to thrive rather than just survive there needs to be more support, more money and more collaboration between the NHS and the third sector (actually collaboration not just expecting the third sector to pick up the pieces), the crisis concordat I’m part of has been cancelled twice in a row, it only meets every three months and the last one was in October there now won’t be another one until August. People with mental health problems deserve better and deserve more, too many people are left with nothing or sent home from a&e at 3 am with no way to get home, at this rate we cannot survive let alone thrive.

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Dear Dr (a message to Healthcare professionals treating self harmers in hospital)

I’m a regular in my local, that probably doesn’t sound unusual or uncommon except I don’t mean my local pub I mean my local a&e department. Like around 1 in 4 people in the U.K. I have mental health problems and often require medical attention for self harm, I decided to write a post about my experiences in a&e as an open letter to medical professionals.

A collage picture of a wolf howling with song lyrics “Lately it’s hard to let you know that I’ll never learn” above and below

Dear Dr or health care professional

The NHS is underfunded and over stretched, you work long hours in a challenging conditions often with little thanks or support; it’s impossible to be oblivious to the current state of our health care system. When you’re juggling patients and trying to be in 3 places at once it’s not hard to understand why you might not want to spend an hour or more treating someone for self inflicted injuries especially when you’re coming to the end of a long shift; however you chose a career helping people and taking care of their medical needs and I am a person in need of medical attention.

If you’ve never experienced a mental health problem or felt a need to harm yourself then I don’t expect you to understand how I feel or why I do what I do but the way I got my injuries doesn’t change the way they should be treated. I’ve been treated in ways I can’t imagine people who are there after an accident would be. 
I’ve had wounds washed out in a sink in front of all the other cubicles and taken from one part of the department to another with nothing covering my arm while people stare at me often horrified, on one occasion my arm was covered so it wouldn’t scare the children in the paediatric a&e. 

I’ve been stapled with no local anaesthetic and told it’s fine because it doesn’t hurt (it does), I know this is in partly due to guidelines but I’ve also had malicious treatment where one Dr repeatedly pulled the Staples out and re did them all the while telling me if I didn’t stop I’d lose my arm while I sat in bed crying. I’ve had Drs tell me to think about how long it took them to treat me compared to the time it took me to hurt myself and when I’ve felt faint from blood loss and said I need to sit down told I can wait a couple of minutes. 

In my a&e notes it says most of the time that I’m not distressed or that I was making eye contact; apparently that means I’m fine. My mental state is frequently being judged as fine because I’m not shouting or being abusive or absconding however on times when I have been visibly upset I’m ignored.

I know accident and emergency staff are there to treat my physical injuries and leave the psychological side of things to the psych liaison but please remember that attached to the arm you’re treating is a person, I know my cuts can be deep and you may need another opinion but I’m not an exhibition for everyone to come and have a good look and discuss the damaged I’ve done, I see the signs that talk about dignity privacy and respect yet that doesn’t seem to apply if you’re a mental health patient; a little discretion wouldn’t hurt.

This isn’t intended as a criticism of the NHS I know I’d be dead without it but I didn’t choose to be this way, it’s something I’ve not been able to break away from despite treatment and no amount of snapping elastic bands of holding ice cubes has ever replaced it as a coping mechanism.

Self Harm coming up for air

A picture of my legs in the air, both are bandaged


This Post is likely to be triggering please read with caution.
I was running a youth wellbeing session last week, it was a drop in so a much more scaled back and basic session than I’d usually do. We had a small power point which contained an animation about depression by Time to Change. The video shows an illustrated woman swimming in a blackness that surrounds her, trying to come up for air and not knowing which direction to go in, that’s how I feel about self harm.
It’s a complex issue like many mental health problems or behaviours that come from them; I only know one person other than people online who actively self harms who I think understands the way I feel and who I can relate to. To me it’s not necessarily something that always has a precise trigger there isn’t always something that’s happened to cause it, there can be a million reasons or none sometimes I just need to cut.

I think I related to the video because my feeling can be suffocating and when I cut it’s like coming up for air or letting out a breath I didn’t know I was holding as if my whole body breaths a sigh of relief and I feel calm and still. Unfortunately it rarely lasts long and it always builds up again it’s a cycle I’ve not managed to break, the build up will come again and there is a limit to how much I can distract myself or keep busy it often feels like I’m just delaying the inevitable.

When you don’t like or value yourself it’s hard to find a reason not to give in to something that has made you feel better so many times despite it being damaging and harmful. The experiences in a&e are often not positive with many Drs short on  time and energy angry at treating someone that has inflicted an injury upon themselves, treatment is often less than ideal with the quickest and easiest option taken, it can be painful, distressing and even humiliating I’ve been treated in ways that I find hard to believe I’d be treated if it were an accident.

The question of whether self harm counts as an addiction or not is often debated in the mental health community but whether it is or not I believe it has a strong hold over me one that holding ice cubes, snapping elastic bands or talking about has never quite been enough for me to come up for air and stop drowning.